Dear Reader
I hope spring has arrived where you are in the world. The header picture is from my recent getaway to Lake Como, Italy where spring was in full force.
This month, There are quite a few activities happening both online and in-person in London. Keep reading to find out more.
At the bottom of this newsletter, I answer a couple of questions from Instagram followers.
If you are planning to book a session with me, these are the days this month that I will not be available:
I've posted on Threads recently, thinking about the contentious issue of 'unicorn hunting' in polyamory - the practice of a couple purposely seeking a third person to join their existing relationship and form a triad (or thrupple). Here is the whole thread, and you can follow me there to see people's responses and more raw thoughts from me.
Why the idea of "looking for a third" is unethical:
Forming an organic triad can be beautiful. But purposefully 'hunting' for a third person to join an existing 2-person dynamic becomes objectifying and harmful in most cases. This refers to seeking committed relationships rather than a one-off casual experience.
- Inherent power dynamics The couple sees themselves as a unit, making decisions together for the benefit of their unit. The 3rd person is intended to serve the needs of the unit.
- There is often little thought to what the new person joining might need. They are initially seen as a shiny toy, an object. They must accept the existing agreements made by the couple. No thought is given to individual autonomy and agency of this person.
- Emotional attachment forms in unexpected ways. Not fully appreciating what changes can happen along the way means there comes a point of it going differently from expectations. It then is often a case of the OG couple prioritising their dynamic over what the 3rd may want.
How can a couple form a triad ethically? The starting point is individuating and bringing lots of autonomy and agency in. Learning about your privilege as a couple and how this can create unacknowledged hierarchy. Bring awareness to why you want someone to join your relationship and then accept it will mean your couple relationship will also change.
Intend to date the person separately and be open to creating agreements that take all three needs and wants into consideration equally. Talk about how to handle it if they only want to date one of you, or if one of you is not into them. If you can't be ok with this, let them know upfront before attachment forms. IMO, it simply can't be ethical if you can't date separately or be ok with them only dating one of you.
8 May: London Polyamory Monthy Social - Inaugural evening
There is an entry fee to the Night Cafe, that includes hot drinks and cookies. The event itself is free and we have the place dedicated to us.
11 May: Special edition of Conscious Play Fighting
We return to the wonderful Akasa space in East London for another exciting and transformational (for some) event. This is a special one, as I will be celebrating my birthday on the same day.
Use promo code 'newsletter' for a discount.
12 May: Sunday Sex School - Is all Masculinity Toxic? Finding Meaning and Purpose in Manhood (free panel)
Online panel discussion where I will join 2 other panelists for a stimulating discussion on this topic.
Click here to book your free tickets.
18 May: Boundaries and Consent workshop - Introduction to play spaces
This will happen in the afternoon in Vauxhall. It is the place to start your sex-positive journey and to improve your ability to set boundaries and communicate them with others in any setting.
1 June: Brighton Conscious Play Fighting Workshop
This popular event is returning to Brighton on Saturday evening.
14-16 June: Facilitating Play Fighting at the Moving with Intimacy festival
The next online peer support is 5th May
The monthly group session continues for small-group deep dives, mutual support and amazing insights. There are still a few spots left for this Sunday.
Q&A (Questions from Instagram)
Q: I am new to ENM (Ethical Non-Monongamy), do the feelings of jealousy and fear etc. get easier to deal with over time?
A: Feelings of fear and insecurity (which get interpreted as jealousy) are common and natural when embarking on a totally new path, one which has no guidebook and few role models. The feelings themselves won't get easier to handle over time without conscious and intentional work to understand where they are coming from, and learning skills for self-regulation, clear communication and boundary setting. Practice helps, but it is also possible to repeatedly activate an old trauma or attachment wounding, which will make things worse.
Q: How much free time does one need, to be in polyamory and give each partner time?
A: You would need to know your own needs for personal space and time, and then communicate with each partner what their needs are. Some people get energy from being around people and others are drained of energy. If you have a full time job and other responsibilities, be realistic about how much time you can devote to a partner and be upfront about it. Some people may only expect a date every 2 weeks and some short texts, others have an expectation of daily face to face calls. What's your capacity? Can you put a boundary around it? Are you prepared to 'let down' an otherwise perfect seeming partner if they are asking for more time than you know you can offer?
Need support urgently?
If we have not spoken before, a short initial consultation for 20 minutes can be booked even for same day. The cost of the session is given back to you as credit to use for any other service. A full session can also be booked for the next day.
Quick links to website resources that you may find helpful:
Do you have a question that others might also find helpful to have answered?
Submit it online or email me and I will answer it in full in the next newsletter.
Sending lots of love,
Roy
