Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist specialising in non-traditional and alternative relationship dynamics. Affirming and experienced with Polyamory, kink, neurodivergence and queer identities.
Last newsletter for 2023, from Roy @OpenRelating
Dear Reader Is there a community for you, where you live? One of the biggest lessons for me, from the years of practicing polyamory, is that a friendship network and feeling of community is the single biggest contributor to overall well-being and sense of emotional security. It's much more important, I believe, than having a romantic partner at all times. And it can be scary, as adults, to seek out platonic friendships. There are lots of dating apps, but not so friendship apps. The good news is that no matter what you particular interests or values are, chances that that you can find a community that shares these interests and values. In London, I have been actively investing my time and energy in supporting the growth of a polyamory community, as well as participating in activities with other groups that share some of my values. A few times a year, I have been organising a social meetup for London Polyamory, which started as a Facebook only group and is now also on Telegram and has in-person meetings. Our next event is a winter warmer party on 10 December. Like minded people find eachother on Instagram, Discord, Telegram, Whatsapp, Signal, Meetup.com, Hylo and other platforms. If you are into certain kinks, there are also Fetlife and JOYclub. If it's not yet happened, I hope that 2024 will be the year that you find your tribe! What's in the last newsletter of 2024?
Keep your ears open for my upcoming interview on the NNM podcastI was recently once again on the Normalising Non-Monogamy podcast with Fin and Emma. My first time on their show was in 2021, together with my partner. Recently I returned for an update and to talk candidly about my own journey, struggles of being in an abusive relationship and what lessons I've learned over the years. I am told the new episode will go live this month, so subscribe and stay tuned. I will share on my Instagram feed when it's out. Here is their podcast website. From monogamy to multigamyA workshop for couples who want to open their relationshipsSunday, December 3 In this 2 hours workshop, I will talk about the challenges and common mistakes couples often make when they decide to open up their relationship. If you can't make it, you could also start with reading this article I published this month. In the workshop, we will explore:
Only 5 places left!
Monthly men's circle, online on December 7The next sharing circle for consciously relating men will be online, to account for the cold weather. You can book your place by clicking the button
London Polyamory Winter Party - 10 Dec.We had a summer picnic, and now we will have a winter indoors party that warms us all up. Expect some activation games, a speed friending activity and performances from our community.
Join the next online peer support - 17 Dec.Online peer support will next be on Sunday, 17 December at 5pm, UK time. If you have any questions about polyamory, multigamy and alternative relationship dynamics, please join and ask them. If you are new to some of the terminology around non-monogamy, I've created a pretty comprehensive glossary which you can read here whenever you would like to find out about some of the definitions and labels.
If you live in or near London, one final play fighting for 2023Use the discount code 'newsletter' for £10 off the entry price
Book coaching with me for 2024From next year, an initial consultation for coaching or counselling will be with a booking fee. It can provide a lot of value on it's own if you have something specific that want insight or advice on. If you continue to book a package or full session with me, the amount you've paid for the initial consultation will be credited to you with a discount code. There is still a whole month to book your total free, no obligation 25 minutes consultation with me, before it changes on 1 Jan. My coaching rates are going to increase from next year. If you book a package of 4, 6 or 8 sessions before the end of this year, you will be able to schedule them for use any time in the first half of 2024.
Is hierarchy good or bad?This question was inspired by one of my partners who saw an Instagram post portraying hierarchy in polyamory as something that is always inherently unethical, and rooted in colonialism. The account in question (@decolonizing.love) is dedicated to giving voice to marginalised communities within polyamory and in a broader sense, and so has a very clear and unambiguous take on hierarchy in polyamory. Hierarchy in relationships is often unavoidable, especially in the early stages of practicing multigamy. No matter what your eventual relating dynamic becomes, if you are starting from a monogamous relationship or from having only monogamous experience in the past, there will be some level of hierarchy to address in the relationship. Hierarchy exists, because most people are looking for their romantic relationship to provide them with the safety and security which they had (or lacked) in their care-givers' presence. They try to ensure they get this, through creating certain rules that protect their relationship against perceived outside threats. I personally don't practice hierarchy in my relationships, but I can totally get why it is very hard, and sometimes undesireably for people to let go of it. As with so much, it often depends on the different perspectives people have. It is essential to acknowledge that the presence of hierarchy in a relationship can have both positive and negative implications. On one hand, it may provide a sense of stability and structure, allowing partners to navigate the complexities of multiple relationships with clarity. It can also help establish clear boundaries and expectations, ensuring that everyone involved feels comfortable and secure. On the other hand, hierarchy can also lead to feelings of inequality and resentment. It may create a power imbalance within the relationship, where one partner holds more decision-making authority or privileges than the others. This can potentially undermine the autonomy and agency of the individuals involved, causing dissatisfaction and emotional strain. To build a healthy and sustainable multigamous relationship, it is crucial to have open and honest communication about hierarchy. Partners should have ongoing discussions about their desires, needs, and boundaries to ensure that everyone's voices are heard and respected. It may involve renegotiating agreements and consciously working towards a more egalitarian dynamic even if full egalitarianism remains an unfulfilled ideal. Remember, every relationship is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to navigating hierarchy in multigamy. The key is to prioritize consent, respect, and mutual understanding, allowing the relationship to evolve and grow in a way that feels authentic and fulfilling for everyone involved. Acknowledging the history of how the monogamous nuclear family unit became Here are some resources from my website, if you'd like to go deeper into the subject of hierarchy in relationships:
Do you have a question that others might also find helpful to have answered? Submit it online or email it and I will pick one question each month to answer in full in my newsletter. |
Roy Graff
Open Relating
Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist specialising in non-traditional and alternative relationship dynamics. Affirming and experienced with Polyamory, kink, neurodivergence and queer identities.
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Dear Reader April newsletter is short and to the point. I spent the month of March buried in books and research, racing to submit my MA thesis by the end of month deadling. It is now behind me and I am looking forward to being more active online and in-person with workshops, courses and events. I am open to your feedback, questions and requests on which topics I should cover in upcoming online workshops. The next peer support will be this Sunday, April 7th. I am including in this newsletter a...
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