Dear Reader

Happy Autumn. I recently read a beautiful sentiment by Mel from @radicalrelating about how this season, with the trees giving up their leave in preparation for renewal, can teach us about letting go and embracing change and transformation.

What is in this month's newsletter?

• My recent podcast interview on the weirdly named smutdrop (from the Metro newspaper)
• Where does my sense of value come from? (recent blog article)
• New video, from the Solo Polyamory Day online forum
• Why play fighting gives me such a thrill and why I want to spread it all over?
• Counselling - what is it for?
• Online and in-person events in October
• Questions from the audience, this time about solo-polyamory

I was interviewed for a podcast episode in September

A pleasant and probing conversation with Miri. I think she asked good questions and got quite deep. My part starts at 5 minutes in. Don't ask me why it is called Smutdrop...

​Listen to the podcast here​

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Blog article

The journey I embarked on included learning that my value doesn’t come from how desirable I am or how desired I can make my partner feel at all times.

From the time I felt I was an adult, I have tried to be conscious about the work I needed to do on myself in order to be a better human being, better friend, and better partner. Actually, for most of my life I tried and failed at being conscious about it. It was really the past decade and in particular the work I have done in therapy, in psychotherapy training and practice of other modalities, that helped me figure out this very important piece relating to how I judge myself to have value.

For the longest time, I measured my value as what I meant to others. Am I a good son to my mother? Does my girlfriend like the way I kiss? Do I perform well at work? Does my flirting with women succeed in getting a date? Can I make her have an orgasm? Does she tell me that she needs me?

Essentially I constructed a sense of who I was, based on the value I was giving others. I think that many people do this, and don’t think that there is anything wrong with it. Well, is there anything wrong? If the feedback from people around me is positive, and this sends me the message that I am wanted/needed by them, shouldn’t this be enough for me to feel good and have a complete sense of Self?

No, not really... (read the full article here)

Solo Polyamory Day

Last week, I was interviewed by Mel Cassidy from @radicalrelating for her Solo Polyamory Day. The half hour interview is available to watch again, free on Youtube. There are several hours of very interesting viewing. The link I share is for my specific interview but you can subscribe to the channel and watch it all here.

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Play fighting

This month, I am running 5 separate play fighting events in multiple cities. This does not feel normal and is a combination of me finally being more available in the UK (not travelling as much) and getting requests to host this in other cities. What I personally enjoy about play fighting is the ability to get into flow so easily and not be in my brain.

I allow my body to lead, safe in the knowledge that my boundaries are respected and that I have an embodied sense of consent for myself and others. These are things that play fighting practice can actually teach us.

It's also so much silly, playful, energetic fun. Children learn through play and I don't know why we got it into our heads that adults can't carry on the same way. If you are in the UK, check out the dates below and if you are anywhere else, and would like to organise an event for your community, get in touch and perhaps I can visit :)

Counselling

It's exciting to be building up my private counselling practice, seeing

clients both in-person and online. I have slots available for counselling (and coaching), and it's best to start with a free consultation to see if we are a good fit.

Monthly men's circles - in person and online

I have been running men's circles for a few years now. It has been a mix of in-person sharing circles and online sessions. Over the winter period I will be focusing on holding monthly physical sessions in Dalston, East London. If there is request for an online version as well, I am happy to offer that. Please email me for more details.

Join the next online peer support

Online peer support will next be on Sunday 15 October at 5pm UK time. If you have any questions about polyamory, multigamy and alternative relationship dynamics, please join and ask them.

If you are new to some of the terminology around non-monogamy, I've created a pretty comprehensive glossary which you can read here whenever you would like to find out about some of the definitions and labels.

If you live in the UK, catch one of the October play fighting events nearest you

Use the discount code 'newsletter' for £5 off the entry price

• Manchester - 6 October
• Nottingham - 7 October
• Bristol - 8 October
• Brighton - 21 October (with optional temple)
• London - 30 October (play fighting skills)

Quick fire questions on solo-polyamory

How can I identify someone as solo-poly on a first date?

If you go on a first date with someone and want to make sure that your values align about the type of polyamory you might wish to practice, but don't want to dive straight in to the deep end, what are some ways of getting a sense of whether you will see eye to eye on preferred relationship dynamic?

If they are partnered, it can he helpful to pay attention to the language they use in describing what they do with their partner. Lots of 'we' indicates perhaps unconscious hierarchy (couple's privilege). Using more 'I' in their descriptions can indicate a focus on autonomy and agency.

You can ask about their values, how they want to live in the future, and what their opinion about hierarchy in relationships is. Personally I lead with my values and see how they react to that. Some people have not heard of the term but still very much align with the values that it espouses.

Is it an oxymoron for a solo-poly person to have a relationship with a couple?

Is solo-poly compatible with more hierarchical approaches to relationships?

This is a really good question because let's face it, most multigamous and polyamorous people pratice some sort of hierarchy in their relationships.

Yes - I believe it is prefectly possible for a solo-polyamorous person to date someone who is in a primary relationship or to date a couple who are primaries to eachother (which is why they would use the term 'couple'). But the caveat is, that the solo-poly person has to maintain extremely clear boundaries, ask lots of questions about agreements and get a sense of whether the couple have done the necessary work of unpacking their couple's privilege.

Solo-polyamory at its very core, is an opportunity to find safety and security in myself without needing a partner to provide that for me. My relationships are created from a want and a desire, not a need. Even if you eventually choose to live with a nesting partner or have a primary relationship, these are important lessons that can keep guiding you.

Bonus question: How to survive in a small village as a polyamorous person?

I often see clients who struggle to meet other polyamorous people where they live, and have to keep their orientation secret because they live in a small community where people love to gossip and they feel they will be judged. It really sucks. If they have no option to move to a bigger city or can't afford frequent travel, what can they do?

The statistics show that there are about 5% of people who identify as non-monogamous in some way, so even in smaller communities there will be others, who equally are afraid to be public about it. You might pass them on the street or in the supermarket and not know you share this secret.

The online community is growing and very active. There are facebook, reddit, discord, telegram and whatsapp communities that cater for all flavours of non-monogamy and different locations all over the world. There is a correlation between kinky and non-monogamous, though of course not all those who are into BDSM are open and not all those who are open are kinky. Certain communities tend to have a higher proportion of non-monogamous and polyamorous people, such as: Dance (blues dancing, contact improv etc.), Climbing, board games... So this can be also a way in to finding your tribe.

I think that it can be more important to find people in your community that you can be yourself around in the first place, rather than meeting someone to date.