Dear Reader

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What's in this newsletter?

• On needing more love in the world
• Roy's interview on sensuali.com
• A new online workshop for couples who are opening up their relationship.
• Play fighting - new page
• Having counselling with me
• Online and in-person events in November/December
• Question on de-escalating a relationship

We need more love in this world

I usually write about relationships. About creating and sustaining healthy, conscious, vulnerable and empowered relationships.
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And now, it feels that the personal is the political and so, I wanted to share something.
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I know that we are all human. Those who value life and choose love over revenge and further killing need to come together and reject division, reject racist rhetoric. Time is long overdue for a global peace movement that recognises shared human values of love, compassion, and freedom.
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The trauma that was inflicted on thousands of people in Israel, won't be healed by killing more of the other side. It won't be lessened by denying more of their humanity. We have blueprints for healing and we need to use them.
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Love is activism, and is ultimately the only power that really has a permanent positive impact when we apply it intentionally and consistently. This is not to ignore the real evil that exists, but to acknowledge that it comes out of deep and sustained generational and personal trauma. It is about looking for opportunities to break the cycle.

I was interviewed for the website sensuali.com

I was recently interviewed by Sensuali.com about my practice and my experience and beliefs around relationships. The interview in full is available on Sensuali.com. It is a community and resources for sex positive, shame-free support and services. They believe sexuality should be explored without shame or restrictions. Sensuali gives you the power to offer or seek sensual experiences in a safe, kink-positive, and inclusive manner.

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From monogamy to multigamy

A workshop for couples who want to open their relationships

Sunday, December 3

In this 2 hours workshop, I will talk about the challenges and common mistakes couples often make when they decide to open up their relationship.
The workshop will include a talk/presentation, breakout exercises and Q&A.
We will explore:

• When is the best time to open up a relationship?
• What do we need to consider and talk about before exploring multigamy (non-monogamy)?
• How exploring multigamy can benefit our relationship?
• How do we unpack our couple's privilege
• Address issues of hierarchy
• What happens when jealousy enters the picture?
• How to develop compersion towards my partner?
• Managing the difficult conversations and resolving conflicts
• How to handle uneven dynamics?
• When my partner wants to be open but I don't want to be

In 2024, I will be introducing a course specifically for couples who are excited to go on a journey of opening up and want to do it consciously, empathetically and authentically.

Conscious play fighting gets it's own page

This month there are 2 events, in London (12 November) and Brighton (24 November). I've created a dedicated page to explain what play fighting is all about, with more pictures and reviews.

Having counselling with me

If you are looking for a therpist/counsellor that is fully affirming and experienced working with people who are non-monogamous and polyamorous, you are welcome to schedule a free session with me, to see if I can be a good fit.

​Upcoming Events​

Boundaries and Consent workshop

11 November, London

I have been running these with Margot for a while now as there is always an interest in learning how to feel comfortable in play spaces, how to communicate your boundaries clearly and how to listen to and be empathetic to other people's boundaries. This workshop integrates wheel of consent practices, group dynamics and embodied experience of boundaries.

Monthly men's circles - in person and online

I have been running men's circles for a few years now. It has been a mix of in-person sharing circles and online sessions. If you are in London, you can join the next one on 8 November.

If you would like to attend an online sharing circle please email me to be added to the waitlist.

Join the next online peer support

Online peer support will next be on Sunday 5 November at 5pm, UK time. If you have any questions about polyamory, multigamy and alternative relationship dynamics, please join and ask them.

If you are new to some of the terminology around non-monogamy, I've created a pretty comprehensive glossary which you can read here whenever you would like to find out about some of the definitions and labels.

The following peer support meeting will be on 17 December.

London Polyamory Winter Party

10 December in Hackney Wick, East London

If you live in the UK, catch one of the November play fighting events nearest you

Use the discount code 'newsletter' for £5 off the entry price

• Brighton - 24 November
• London - 12 November

Is it ok to de-escalate a relationship if I don't want to totally let it go?

De-escalation is commonly used to refer to a nesting relationship that changes when partners decide to no longer live together, or otherwise want to reduce the amount of time they spend together.
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The word conjures a feeling of loss and having to accept less than what was. When relationships change, it can be helpful to think of transition and evolution rather than de-escalation.
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Ultimately, the reason for change is that it isn't working well for one or more of the partners. If the change results in an overall improvement in happiness for all involved, then it isn't a loss, it's a gain.

But if one of the partners does not want this change, it can feel like a loss. Very often the reason that the process isn't mutual, is because one side is hanging on to the expectation that things should stay as they were, in the face of clear signals from their partner that this is no longer an option.

If you are familiar with the 5 stages of grief, this would be in-line with feelings of denial, anger, negotiation or accomodation. All of these will feel very much like a loss and de-escalation. If the person can move through these and reach acceptance, they may be able to embrace the change as positive because it means they have an opportunity to build a new and more balanced connection with their partner.

Even when there is a feeling of loss, if my partner feels that for them, the current dynamic doesn't work anymore, then it doesn't work for everyone involved. By hanging on to what was, I'm going to potentially lose my partner altogether. Instead, I can work to accept that things need to change, and see what happens when my partner is free to have the relationship dynamic that works best for them.

I will for sure get a partner that is much more fulfilled, happy in themselves and being more authentic.