Dear Reader

I am being dilligent with this month's newsletter and sending it good and early in September. I hope that this can become my habit, but I won't hold my breath.

In the last newsletter, I forgot to include the video of my 14 minute, TED-style talk about polyamory at Manchester's Sex Lectures in July. It isn't publicly available but I wanted to share it with you (link below).

In this newsletter, I talk about the 2 online events I am running this month and a refresh I've done to one of my earliest blog articles, about the spectra of emotional and sexual connection. There is also an invitation to send me questions about relationships, which I will answer in future newsletters. I answer one question already in this edition.

The emotional and sexual connection spectra*

*Plural for spectrum. See a refresh of my blog article here.

The notion that people should just accept the socially normalised, traditional and restrictive way of relating and connecting romantically / sexually seems to me absurd. Just as absurd as it now is to expect everyone to be straight, just because this is how the majority identify, or to insist that people born left-handed must only use their right hand.

Labels are not always necessary, of course. But to some, labels are an important way of coming to terms with who they authentically are, in the face of judgment and discrimination. What matters in my opinion, is how can we think of ourselves to allow our fullest self to unapologetically and proudly emerge. It does not even matter if a certain way of expressing yourself is a born orientation or a lifestyle choice you have made that makes your life happier, more fulfilling and better. What if we accept that all people can find themselves somewhere on a wide spectra of sexuality, orientation, gender, capacity for, and expression of connection?

The spectrum of sexual attraction is well known and not disputed except in extremely religious and conservative societies. This spectrum includes orientations like heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual and pansexual but is not limited to just these labels. I propose that we also look at spectra that can helps us find a compatible label (if we are seeking labels for ourselves).

These spectra show that there is no default way of being and definitely that nothing is binary. The definitions I am using may not reflect definitions that exist in other resources. In some cases I needed to come up with my own terms where no suitable existing labels could be found. They are also not exhaustive. There are many other terms and descriptors currently in use around the world. Please feel free to provide your own, if different, in the comments.
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​Continue reading this on my blog and let me know what you think.

Video - the abundance of polyamory, at the Sex Lectures, Manchester

In July I was invited to speak at the Sex Lectures, a fantastic event that sees a number of speakers deliver a short talk on specialist subjects in the realm of sexuality, relationships, connection, intimacy and self-growth. My talk was quite personal, tracing my own journey into solo-polyamory and how it has change my mindset to accept abundance in many forms in life.

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How men can embrace the abundance mindset

I think that men are largely being underserved and short-changed by a patriarchal society, because we are both being given a free pass on doing some of the hard emotional work, and are also expected to perform a version of masculinity that very few men actually fully resonate with.

Join me on 6th September, as I will be holding space and leading a discussion in support of emotional growth and healing for men. My hope is that from this meeting, a group of conscious men will embark on a journey together through regular meetings and check-ins. The aim is to let go of scarcity, possessiveness and competition, in favour of collaboration, emotional intimacy, compassion and abundance.

Joining peer support means knowing you are not alone on your journey

Online peer support will next be on Sunday 10 September at 5pm UK time. It will include an interactive talk and Q&A with me. If you have any questions about polyamory, multigamy and alternative relationship dynamics, please join and ask.

If you are new to some of the terminology around non-monogamy, I've created a pretty comprehensive glossary which you can visit here whenever you would like to find out about some of the definitions and labels.

Should you ask for a relationship to start monogamously, so as to build a secure base?

So as to open it up gradually later, even if ultimately what you want is to be open but not sure if you are polyamorous?

If you need more intimacy and connection at the start of a relationship to build trust, and both of you agree that being exclusive will help with that, then it is certainly an option. Just try to make sure you factor in and discuss in detail, how the relationship may change once you do open it up.
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The journey of discovering if you are polyamorous is largely an individual one, where you discover more of your autonomy and agency, even while in a committed relationship. Knowing that you can trust your partner and rely on them for an emotional anchor could provide stability and security as you attempt scary new dynamics.
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Without the individual journey, it will be hard to impossible to make the transition work happily for all concerned. Getting comfortable in monogamy doesn't prepare you for multigamy, unless you prioritise your autonomy and agency from the start. This means that as well as building that mutual trust, you also build self-resilience and create a wider emotional support network than just your partner.

It's also important to establish honesty and transparency as relationship values that you continuously invest in. Don't neglect your personal time, friends and family in favour of the relationship and don't avoid talking about becoming open, even if you are not acting on it. Establish a routine of relationship check-ins and being ok with discussing difficult topics.

In summary, it will likely be an easier path in the long term (though not simpler), to be open from the start and learn how to build and maintain intimacy in your relationship while dating other people. A polyamory coach or therapist could help with that. If you do decide to start with monogamy, then don't ignore or minimise the scale of the transition you will have to make later on.

If you live in the UK, catch the September & October play fighting workshop nearest you

Use the discount code 'newsletter' for £5 off the entry price.

• London - 23 September
• Manchester - 6 October
• Nottingham - 7 October
• Bristol - 8 October
• Brighton - 21 October